By Sanman Thapa
I wasn’t just Aiden’s dad — for much of his childhood, I was his only playmate. As a stay-at-home father, I played every role: goalie, chess rival, LEGO architect, and pirate ship opponent armed with wooden swords and eye patches. We had no cousins down the block or siblings squabbling over toys. There was just me. And in that closeness — beautiful and intense — I became not just a parent, but a kind of surrogate sibling.
That closeness was a gift, but it also came with pressure. Pressure to always show up. Pressure to get it right. And moments when I forgot who the adult in the room was. We argued about LEGO pieces. I got overly invested in a spaceship built, and Kim — my wife — would chime in from the kitchen, "Sanman, are you the kid or Aiden?" I knew she was right. Looking back, it’s funny. At the time, it felt personal.
Volleyball was harder. When I missed the ball, Aiden would shout, “You’re not even trying!” forgetting that I was trying — but I’m missing a left hand. What he wanted wasn’t just a successful toss — he wanted certainty. For the game to go right. For me to be the person who could always deliver.
That’s the invisible dance of raising an only child. You are everything. The joy, the blame, the buffer, the mirror.
And Aiden is a mirror — one who reflects back both my tenderness and my triggers. He’s sharp. At two and a half, he could pronounce dinosaur names I still can’t say. He grew up surrounded by words, thanks in part to Kim’s nightly reading routines. He’s artistic, verbal, and creative. He’s performed in school plays, had his artwork featured in community centers and libraries, and edits my blog posts better than I do.
But he also pushes back. He argues. He wants the last word. And during one recent blowout — a real emotional collision — he finally said:
“You treat me like an adult, but also expect me to be a child. I’m confused.”
And then:
“When we argue, I feel like I have to win.”
That moment made me pause, as a father, but also as a counselor who studied sibling dynamics in graduate school. Aiden had just named what so much research affirms about only children: they often grow up in adult-centered environments, developing advanced verbal and intellectual abilities, but also experiencing emotional tension, role confusion, and pressure to perform.
What the Research Says
Toni Falbo, a leading researcher in the field, found that only children tend to outperform children with siblings in verbal intelligence and academic achievement (Falbo & Polit, 1986). A 2024 Nature Human Behavior study echoed these findings: only children demonstrated stronger mental health, language skills, creativity, and prosocial behavior than their peers (Zhang et al., 2024).
Further behavioral and brain imaging studies support this, suggesting that only children may develop stronger creativity and emotional sensitivity, but also show differences in agreeableness and social flexibility compared to children with siblings (Yang et al., 2017).
And yet, the same qualities that shine — confidence, autonomy, articulate reasoning — can be mistaken for arrogance, stubbornness, or defiance. As a parent, I know I’ve made that mistake. Many times.
There were moments — more than I care to admit — when I called Aiden selfish, spoiled, self-absorbed, even arrogant. Not in my best counselor voice, not with any therapeutic finesse, but in frustration, exhaustion, and helplessness. I knew better. But I still said it. Not because he was those things, but because I couldn’t untangle his strong opinions and independence from my own bruised ego or unmet expectations.
Looking back, I realize those words echoed every outdated stereotype about only children. And they didn’t help either of us. Research has long shown that the so-called "only child syndrome" — a term used to suggest spoiled or maladjusted behavior — simply doesn’t hold up. What matters far more is parenting style, not sibling count (Abrams, 2024; American Psychological Association, 2022).
If you're interested in hearing more from the researcher herself, I highly recommend this conversation with Toni Falbo, PhD, on the APA podcast Speaking of Psychology:
🎧 Busting myths about only children — Watch on YouTube
Aiden wasn’t trying to control the room. He was trying to find his place in it.
Second Drafts
Raising Aiden has meant rewriting the scripts I was handed. It’s taught me how to apologize better. How to listen through my own frustration. How to understand that being close doesn’t mean being flawless — it means staying open.
Maybe that’s the quiet gift of raising an only child. You build each other. You knock things down, and then start again. Like LEGOs after a meltdown. Like a volleyball toss after a missed return. Like a conversation, you’ll keep getting better at it.
Maybe, just maybe, you become each other’s second draft.
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References:
Abrams, Z. (2024, September 1). Only children are often misunderstood. Take a closer look at the science. Monitor on psychology. https://www.apa.org/monitor/2024/09/only-children
Falbo, T., & Polit, D. F. (1986). Quantitative review of the only child literature: Research evidence and theory development. Psychological Bulletin, 100(2), 176–189. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.100.2.176
Falbo, T. (n.d.). Busting myths about only children, with Toni Falbo, PhD | Speaking of Psychology. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uA-QNWF9c_k
Yang, Junyi & Hou, Xin & Wei, Dongtao & Wang, Kangcheng & Li, Yadan & Qiu, Jiang. (2017). Only-child and non-only-child exhibit differences in creativity and agreeableness: evidence from behavioral and anatomical structural studies. Brain Imaging and Behavior. 11. 10.1007/s11682-016-9530-9.